Do It This Way

I'm an inquisitive type.  I love to learn.  Now, there are two ways to go about learning;  formal education, or self education.  I went with the latter.  For one, the tuition is dirt cheap.  Plus, I can study at my own pace.  I can experience the thrill of discovery.  And, I don't have to hear the rest of the class laughing at my mistakes.  The down side is I had a fool for a teacher.  But that's OK.  Back when I was just learning to draw and paint, no one was interested in realism, so finding a school that taught what I wanted to learn was like finding a scholar at my High School-- Damn Impossible!

But, now we've got the internet! Everything you ever want to know is here at your fingertips.  Who needs to be patted down by the TSA so you can get to France to see the Louvre?  See it online!  ( By the way, the TSA has a new screening procedure: Dunk Tanks.  If you're a terrorist, you float, if you're not, you sink.)  Want to see the greatest painters of all time?  The Art Renewal Center has what you're looking for.  Want to learn to paint?  The internet has what you need.  In the interest of time, I've broken down and synopsized all you need to know from all the countless "How To" blogs out there. 

You're welcome.

Ok, first:

• Always Paint on inexpensive Canvas.
• Always use expensive Belgian Linen.
• Always paint on Masonite.
• Always paint on two-ply toilet paper.

For your supplies:

• Always use the most expensive brushes
• Always use cheap, disposable brushes
• Always use your fingers, nose, tongue- any part of your anatomy that can smear paint

For your paints:

• Always use Windsor-Newton
• Always use Old Holland
• Always use Edible Oils
• Always search the dumpsters of good artists and use what's left of their used paints.

For subject matter:

• Always do Still Lives
• Always do Landscapes
• Always do Nudes
• Always do little Angels on the back of shovels: They sell like hot-cakes at bake-sales!

For Marketing:

• Always use a Gallery
• Always sell without a Gallery
• Always sell any possible way you can make a buck.
• Always hang on to your paintings so they'll appreciate in value when you're dead.

There you have it!  All you need to know about painting.  I hope this information clears up all those endless questions about painting, and comes in handy for you as you wander on that crazy journey we call "Art".   And remember, if the answer isn't in your heart, it's in an Art Blog!